When New Year Democracy Breaks Down! By Matthew Hill
When someone is pumped up and coming at you, what is your response? Do you apologise, reduce your silhouette, and give them what they want? Or do you alpha it all the way up and start firing your hip mounted machine guns like Rambo?
Today, let us as look at 5 styles THEY may use, and ask what is behind these displays of anger, and what is to be done. This piece will provide tactics to get to a much better place and prevent this single anger attack repeating and becoming a nasty pattern.
The Competitive Type
They see life as a game, they are obsessed with winning and are emotionally detached from the disruption they stir up in the other person – you. For them this is about win-lose, taking the victory and moving on. They are programmed, like a tank, to keep rolling forward, over toes, feet and bodies.
Did they see their dad behave in this way? Was it drummed into them at school, or are they copying a boss from earlier in their career?
How can you adapt? – First, understand that emotions are not relevant here. How can you dial down yours and put them to one side? The easiest way to progress here is to join them in playing a game. Imagine this is a board game or a school debate – make it fun, and detach yourself from the drama by reducing the stakes. You do not need to be in survival mode as there is nothing to survive. Focus on the content, logic and Socratic methods rather than counting your heartrate or following your feelings. Learn the winning tactics to beat them at this strange but impersonal game.
Avoid, avoid, avoid
When faced with a bully’s outburst, it can be an act of tactical brilliance to avoid. The cost though is that you will have no voice, vote or power. In avoiding, you forfeit your rights and the chance to change the story, and improve stuff in your environment.
Avoiders have learnt to survive in the now, winning the valuable reward of being able to live another day, come back with a win later and to marshal their resources in the meantime.
How can you adapt? Firstly work out, “Can I win or do I need more time?” This quick analysis could lead to a tactical retreat in the now or a shift to full-on engagement. Remember if you are taken out of the game with aggression you can no longer play! And, work out the risks of engagement v the cost of not playing. That will often guide you in deciding your next action.
Compromise
No one ever remembers a great compromise. But life is full of them. We need to trade to cooperate and this moves us beyond the simplicity of win – lose. Question – Would you rather risk getting nothing or take the 80% on offer? Great, you are now beginning to appreciate the upside of compromise. When we see this as optimising, we can shift our emotions and approach the table with pragmatism and make better informed choices.
Where does the drama come in this passive sounding exchange? At the end, the clever tactician will up their power to squeeze out that last drop of value from the deal. This can involve some drama school displays of acting out, threats, etc.
How can you adapt? A negotiation only really begins when you hear the first “No!”
This space is perfect for High – Low value exchange as you trade what is of lower value to you and higher perceived value to them, and vice versa. Anger can be countered most rapidly with compromise early on, allowing for a moment of calm and the space to renegotiate terms with someone whose system is not flooded with dangerous chemicals.
That tactic at the end can be countered by replaying what was said earlier and revealing the bluff of their late stage display – Point out the inconsistencies in their new found state of upset to reset them and show that you know what they are doing.
Accommodation
We can pour oil on troubled waters at the beginning, when we spot a triggered person just about to explode into anger. We can do this by popping in a concession early. This can reduce a blow up of frustration fuelled anger of the other side and set up an intelligent space to negotiate first a basis for dialogue, leading to a more creative mutual problems solving session and the eventual distribution of a bigger and more valuable pie for all.
How can you adapt? We are setting up a more rewarding exchange at the beginning by trading away something that is easy to give. The calm placation of frustration at the price of a cheap concession can create the possibility for dialogue and allow both parties to sign a behaviour contract of civility and exchange. A stitch in time, saves nine.
Collaboration
Are you faced with an intelligent person who is becoming angry, frustrated at the IQ levels of those around them?
How can you adapt? Here you can dive into Socratic methods, mediation methods, negotiation methods or a Cartesian string, to make sensible progress. As we have learnt today, setting up some rules of engagement often ensures a better outcome from the encounter, upgrading the experience from the one you are both currently not enjoying.
Conclusion
If you can detach from the energy of their anger, take a moment to see their preferred conflict style, then you will give yourself the chance to adapt and get to a conversation that allows for mutual problem solving, the possibility of change and could easily lead to healthier outcomes. And you will have set a civilised pattern of behaviour with Mr Angry that will save you a whole lot of grief in your next dozen encounters with this character.
About the Author
Matthew Hill is an accredited CEDR Mediator, professional negotiator, and training facilitator, running executive courses in the UK and France, in negotiation skills, anger management skills and consultative selling skills.
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