A Trainer’s Guide, #training, #debate, #discussion, #deescalation #conflict
Let’s Break it down into – Process, Relationship & Content
1. Content – Did you just step on one of THEIR landmines? – cross one of their red lines, or bump into one of their triggering topics?
If that is the case – how did that happen? – Did you proceed with caution or pile straight in? Oh! – A learning moment may have just occurred 😉
Key – Do we need to keep a note of the super sensitive topics and link them to the constellation of people in our circle or network?
Bluff – If one person knows their stuff around a sensitive topic, they are going to become frustrated with you pretty quickly if you are blustering, busking or bullsh!tting. And if you are perceived to not be taking their position seriously or seriously enough that will also not end well.
And if you are bluffing along with minimal knowledge to back up your argument then watch out too.
Better to stop and probe their position. Lower your power and dial down any displays of certainty, and slow the conversation down. Change from debate to playing the student for a bit. Be prepared for intake, input and to take the chance to expand your knowledge. Maybe it is too soon to compete, score points or try to be clever and win.
Homework – Take the time to inform yourself of BOTH sides of various topics of the moment – Move beyond your own tribal echo chamber, and ADD in the decent material and valid input emerging from other the point of view. P.O.V. to enrich your own philosophy and celebrate your growing depth of knowledge.
2. Relationship – When debating professionals, it is normal to separate the person from the content or their particular polar position. This encounter will look like a normal conversation. With people on various parts of the spectrum (and most of us have something here), or with someone who is particularity triggered, passionate or polar, they may leave the Earth in a rocket and explode in your face. But remember – their drama, emotion, power and force have nothing to do with you. It is all about their history and their link to the topic.
What to do? – STOP – protect yourself. When you stop throwing stones, they will back away from their life-threatening onslaught and have a chance to reset.
It is the topic that is under fire – NOT your relationship – With triggered people, the body’s chemicals will pass, the monster eyes will return to blue and the body will settle. It takes 30 minutes for a Flight or Fight hormonal reset – Take a break and come back later.
Power differential – This is less relevant, especially today – parent – child, employer – employee, company – customer, old – young. A blow up can happen between anyone. It is the topic not the interpersonal dynamic.
3. Process – Inoculate / reverse psychology – “I know this is an important topic for you and I don’t want to upset anyone…” This will often generate a more resilient and less resistant or explosive stance from the potentially triggered person.
Polarity – For most subjects these days there is a tribal element – Are they on the extreme left, the moderate left, the moderate right or the extreme right? And where are YOU when it comes to your beliefs and views on this particular topic?
Homework – Learn the positional essence of the 4 position buckets – EL, ML, MR, ER for the key topics you are likely to encounter. Start with yourself – Where are you placed right now? BTW – No one is trying to change your mind. They ARE offering riches and wisdom to add depth and complexity to what you already believe. The ore of the counternarrative can be mined to find and extract the GOLD.
Conclusion
Social media’s hate and anger fuelling algorithms, tribalism, the legacy from Covid and global political uncertainty have given many people hair triggers on topics, polar positions and an almost cult like adherence to their tribe’s ideology, dogma or political stripe.
It is pointless to try to de-radicalise the other, fire facts at them and expect to win, or to move people from extreme to moderate positions in just one sitting.
Work out what you think about the main 37 Global topics that urgently need addressing and sorting, then work out the other 3 bucket positions and what those people think.
By doing this you will already have become MUCH wiser than most people you will encounter. And, this will allow you to detach from competing, observe the relative positions of you and the other person on the topic’s 4 bucket spectrum of beliefs, and so allow you to appropriately adjust your Socratic or Mediation approach to support a more meaningful, safe and fruitful debate.
Good luck with your chats next week!
About the Author
Matthew Hill is a leadership and team skills trainer working with executives to bring everybody up to at least an 8/10 for quality and confidence in their communication skills levels.
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